Noobs on Wifi make me laugh.

Not everyone may be aware of this, but I am a very, very notorious Pokemon nerd. How notorious? I spent nearly all day (and by all I mean starting at noon, since that’s after I took my shower after I woke up XD) today planning a Pokemon team I intend to use in competitive battling over Wifi. I’m really proud of how this team’s been doing actually- but that’s not the point.

So I had my team on Pokemon Platinum, and since the strangers you fight over the DS Wifi system aren’t actually thinking for themselves, it’s just CPU’s using their teams, I transferred the team over to Pokemon Battle Revolution so I could test it out against real people doing real thinking.

I know there are people over Wifi that use legendaries. Heck, on my team I’ve got a Jirachi and a Zapdos (not legitimately obtained, but they respect the game’s boundaries, since unlike newbie hackers I’ve been on this for over a year so I actually have a clue about what I’m doing). I even fought a guy with a Palkia (who kinda pulverized me, but I respect him for not pulling out Palkia on our first battle… agh, if only my Draco Meteor had hit XD). But this one fellow I battled, his team really amused me, to the point that I wrote it down even though we exchanged friend passes after:

Palkia @ Lustrous Orb: Spacial Rend, Heal Block, Earth Power, Slash.

Dialga @ Adamant Orb: Roar of Time, Heal Block, Earth Power, Slash.

Giratina @ nothing: Shadow Force, Dragon Claw, Dragon Pulse, Fly

Groudon @ nothing: Fire Blast, Eruption, Fissure, Earth Power.

Those were the Pokemon I fought and BEAT.

… okay, it was a draw, but only because I neglected to teach my Ludicolo Protect so when Bronzong exploded I ended up killing everyone XD (Reminds me, Dialga taught me that I need something that knows Earthquake…)

Anyways, for my own personal amusement and maybe others’, I will recount just how this battle went and comment:

Opening: I send out Aether (Zapdos) and Thalassa (Ludicolo). Opponent sends out Palkia and Dialga.
J: As soon as I saw those two, I thought “LOLNOOB.”

Turn1: Aether uses Rain Dance. Palkia uses Spacial Rend on Aether. Dialga uses Roar of Time on Aether. Aether faints. Thalassa uses Ice Punch on Palkia. I send out Oceanus (Kingdra).
J: I thought I’d be dead meat when I realized that Spacial Rend would kind of kill my dear Oceanus, but since Thalassa and Oceanus both get double speed in the rain because of Swift Swim, I thought “Hey, they’re gonna move before Palkia anyways and Dialga’s gonna have to chill, so I should take care of Palkia now.”

Turn 2: Thalassa uses Ice Punch on Palkia. Oceanus uses Draco Meteor on Palkia. Palkia faints. Dialga has to recharge. Opponent sends out Giratina.
J: I find it funny when people are stupid enough to use moves that require a turn to recharge. Heck, my first battle on Wifi today was with a fellow that had a Blast Burning Charizard. Giratina kind of freaked me out a little and I had a feeling it would use Shadow Force, and I didn’t want it doing that, so…

Turn 3: Thalassa uses Ice Punch on Giratina. Oceanus uses Draco Meteor on Giratina. Giratina faints. Dialga uses Earth Power on Thalassa. Opponent sends out Groudon. Drought takes effect, the rain is replaced with sun.
J: First thing that came to mind when Groudon came out: “OH SHI-” but the T never came because even without Swift Swim boosts I still somehow came out faster. Also: what kind of noob uses Earth Power, a Ground-type move, on an opponent whose Grass type resists it? I knew from this turn that this guy clearly didn’t have a strategy or a clue. Silly 12 year-old boys and their Action Replays.

Turn 4: Thalassa uses Seed Bomb on Groudon. Groudon faints. Oceanus uses Rain Dance. Dialga uses Roar of Time on Oceanus. Oceanus faints. I send out Helios (Bronzong).
J: I was feeling pretty good at this point. A whole team of legendaries being brought down by my modest little babies? Priceless.

Turn 5: Thalassa uses Ice Punch on Dialga. Dialga must recharge. Helios uses Reflect.
J: This turn, my feelings were flushed down the toilet when I realized Helios had nothing in the way of an attacking move except for Explode, and Thalassa was running low on health because of Life Orb recoil. Well, I crossed my fingers and hoped Thalassa would score a critical hit with the next move or else it would come down to a draw…

Turn 6: Thalassa uses Ice Punch on Dialga. Dialga uses Slash on Thalassa. Helios uses Explosion. Everybody dies. It’s a draw.
J: I can’t believe that guy used a PHYSICAL move right after I used REFLECT. That made Earth Power look like a smart decision >.>

The one thing I learned from this battle: Helios needs Earthquake or Gyro Ball.

Anyways, tl;dr version for people who don’t understand Pokemon jargon: I faced a guy with a team filled with ultra-powerful Pokemon but pulled out with a draw because I used STRATEGY.

GOOD PEOPLE OF THE INTERNET, BRAINS DO BEAT BRAWN. If I had Earthquake, Helios wouldn’t have died and I would’ve stolen the win. Ah well, lesson learned.

Oh, and here’s some funny info: his Palkia and Dialga weren’t trained (Giratina only three levels; seems like it came from Platinum, clearly the guy wasn’t aware of Griseous Orb boosts) and he had two Typhlosions with identical, bad movesets (Flamethrower, Fire Blast, Flame Wheel, Lava Plume).

    • The infamous MK XD
    • June 20th, 2010

    Ummm… I understood about three words of that XD. I only ever played the pokemon games for gameboy colour :P. Those were fun. Ooh, and Pokemon Snap XD.

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